


Bram vs Simon with Straws

by dyke_enid



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Awkward Boners, Crack, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Oblivious Simon, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Straws, bram is dying, but there's none actually in the fic, f in the chat for bram, garrett is a little shit, like don't take this fic seriously you probably won't enjoy it as much, mentions of oral sex, seriously what do i tag this with, simon is a tease but not deliberately, simon's an idiot but what's new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 03:43:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19844866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dyke_enid/pseuds/dyke_enid
Summary: It's Bram's 18th birthday, everything's going well until Garrett reveals the straws he bought... aren't normal straws.





	Bram vs Simon with Straws

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for my friend as a joke and i'm posting here because why not

It’s Bram’s 18th birthday.  
  
Garrett has organised a surprise party for him that’s currently taking place in Simon’s basement. Bram’s surprised at how much thought Garrett put into it since he tends to half-ass everything he does. Music that’s probably from a playlist Simon created is drifting from some speakers Nick brought. There’s a large selection of snacks spread out on the coffee table, including Reeses and Oreos, and at the very end, surrounded by plastic cups, there’s a jug full of a fruity drink with an alcohol percentage so low even Simon will need a few cups to get tipsy off of it. Which is nice, it’s fun because they know it’s alcohol, but unless they drink a copious amount, they won’t have to worry about hangovers, and they’ll just get that nice buzz instead. Bram likes that.  
  
It’s almost perfect. There’s no-one he’d rather spend his 18th with than his boyfriend and best friends. The only thing Bram has a problem with is the straws.  
  
Bram isn’t anti-straw or anything like that. It’s just that…. they’re not normal straws. Which is something that Garrett probably made sure of. Instead of being your average, plastic, brightly coloured straw… they’re shaped like dicks.  
  
And Bram is really happy Garrett is so supportive of his sexuality, and it is honestly kinda funny to watch people react to them at the start of the night. Garrett, known for having zero shame, puts two in his cup and sips loudly. Leah, who was apparently aware of the straw situation, has opted to bring her own, and a few extras in case she misplaced one, so she and Nick are both drinking their drinks through normal ones. Abby doesn’t make a big deal out of it, and drinks from them as if they’re straws you’d find anywhere, although Bram does catch her winking at Nick a few times.  
  
Bram has reluctantly used one of the straws, mostly just to keep Garrett happy. He ignores the blush that rises on his cheeks every time he takes a sip and resists the urge to flip him off.  
  
Other than the usual awkwardness Bram feels around anything even vaguely sex-related, his main problem with the straws is Simon.  
  
Simon, being the lovable but oblivious idiot that he is, doesn’t even seem to realise what the straws are shaped like. And Bram is kinda mad about that. Because it’s _killing_ him.  
  
Simon fidgets a lot, he’s always doing something with his hands; whether it’s messing with a loose thread of fabric on his clothes or running them through his already messy hair. If he’s holding something, he’ll fidget with it. Keys, books, Bram’s hands. Doesn’t matter, he’ll fidget.  
  
He also has a habit of biting his nails, or even biting the long sleeves of one of his sweatshirts, if he’s particularly stressed about something. And when his hands are occupied because they’re, say, holding a cup and an oreo; and something is in his mouth that he could fidget with, he kind of… well…  
  
Bram’s watching him now, from his seat in the chair diagonally across from the sofa. Simon is sitting between Abby and Leah, alternating between talking, drinking, and eating Oreos. Bram is getting increasingly frustrated, because despite how it’s making him feel, he literally cannot take his eyes off of Simon whenever the straw ends up in his mouth, and every few minutes, they’ll be a moment where he’s busy listening to someone talk and his mouth isn’t otherwise occupied, and he’ll just… twirl the straw around with his tongue. And in any other situation, Bram probably wouldn’t notice, or if he did, he’d think it was cute. But the straw is shaped like a dick, okay? It’s not really leaving much to the imagination. Especially as what Simon’s doing isn’t far off what he _actually_ does when he’s-  
  
_Anyway_.  
  
Garrett, being the little shit he is, notices Bram’s… predicament (because let’s be realistic, it’s been an hour and Bram’s been watching Simon ‘drink’ the entire time, he’s definitely hard) and immediately decides to make it worse because he’s a great friend like that.  
  
“Spier!” He calls, and Simon ends his conversation with Leah and glances over, “out of curiosity, how much of that straw can you fit in your mouth?”  
  
Bram decides right then and there that he is going to kill Garrett. He figures he could cover it up pretty easily, after all. And people would miss him, but with a big enough distraction, they’d get over it soon enough-  
  
“Hm, I dunno,” Simon responds. And then he puts the straw back in his mouth and tries to find out. Bram chokes on his oreo, Leah rolls her eyes at her best friend’s obliviousness, Nick averts his own and stares at the (currently off) tv instead, Abby stifles a laugh, and Garrett glances back at Bram with a knowing smirk.  
  
“ _I hate you_.” Bram mouths.  
  
“ _I love you too!_ ” Garrett mouths back.  
  
Simon finishes his experiment and looks at Garrett expectantly.  
  
“How’d I do?” He asks.  
  
“Pretty well. But the real thing is like, way different, dude.”  
  
“The real thing….?” Simon asks, and then he looks at the straw properly for the first time, and his face flushes a deep red as Abby and Leah lose it and start laughing hysterically next to him.  
  
“ _Oh my god_ ,” he says, mortified, “why did no-one _tell_ me?”  
  
“Because that was fucking hilarious.” Leah manages to get out through her laughter.  
  
Simon pouts, “screw you guys, I’m going to Bram.”  
  
And Bram panics. Because he’s in a chair. A chair that isn’t big enough to fit both of them in it, sitting together, side by side. It is big enough to fit one person sitting normally, and the other sitting on their lap. And Bram knows that’s exactly what Simon’s about to do because Simon _loves_ sitting on his lap. Except, Bram has a _situation_. And if Simon sits on his lap, he’ll definitely be made aware of it in seconds.  
  
But since Bram’s a big gay idiot and his brain works way slower when he’s aroused, he doesn’t manage to come up with a good excuse before Simon has made his way over. And Simon crawls onto his lap as he always does, the chair just big enough for Simon to pretty much straddle him, and as soon as he’s comfortable, and his weight is fully resting on Bram’s lap, he freezes and his eyes widen, and Bram’s entire face goes red.  
  
“ _Oh,_ ” Simon whispers.  
  
“I- um…” Bram tries, he really does, but he’s hard and Simon is in his lap and he just watched him suck a dick-shaped straw for an hour, so forgive him for not being very articulate currently.  
  
“Is this… um,” Simon bites his lip, hesitating, “is this… because of the straw? Or…?”  
  
Bram nods, “it’s because of the straw.” He confirms.  
  
“Oh,” Simon says again.  
  
Bram’s blush only worsens. And then:  
  
“Wanna go upstairs?”  
  
Bram gapes at him, “are you being serious?”  
  
Simon nods, a playful smile on his lips, “I mean, I was gonna save the obligatory birthday blowjob until later, but if you want it _now_ …” and as if he’s trying to make his point extra clear, Simon grinds down slightly, just a little, but enough for Bram to feel it, and enough for it to make every rational thought Bram’s ever had evaporate from his mind. And then he’s nodding, and Simon’s climbing off of his lap and pulling him up the basement stairs, so suddenly that he stumbles a little on his way.  
  
“Get some, Greenfeld!” He hears Garrett yell.  
  
Bram flips him off without looking back.


End file.
